How Self-Love Impacts the Way You Date (and Who You Date)

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?” or “Why do I feel like I’m always the one trying harder in relationships?”—then pause, sis. This may be a self-love issue in disguise.

As a Christian dating and relationship coach, I’ve seen this pattern play out over and over again. And while it’s easy to blame men or bad timing, the deeper truth often lies within. Your self-love (or lack of it) silently guides the way you date—and even determines who you entertain.

Let’s unpack the science, psychology, and spiritual wisdom behind why self-love is a non-negotiable if you want to win at love.

What Is Self-Love, Really?

Self-love isn’t just bubble baths and affirmations (though those are cute). It’s a deep, internal knowing of your value, rooted in how you see yourself and how you allow others to treat you. According to psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, self-love involves “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.”

That means:

• Holding yourself in high regard, even when life isn't perfect

• Creating boundaries that protect your peace

• Releasing the need to settle, prove, or perform

In Proverbs 4:23, we’re told, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Self-love is a form of heart-guarding. When you truly love yourself, you no longer accept less than what aligns with that love.

Self-love involves being warm & understanding toward ourselves.

The Psychology: How Self-Love Affects Dating Choices

Science backs this up. A 2019 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with higher self-esteem tend to attract and maintain healthier, more satisfying romantic relationships. Why? Because they naturally seek partners who reflect how they feel about themselves.

On the flip side, low self-worth can cause you to:

• Overlook red flags

• Rationalize toxic behavior

• Chase emotionally distant men hoping to “earn” their love

This is how some women (yes, even you!) end up stuck in situationships, waiting for potential, and feeling emotionally starved. Sis, you can’t crave healthy love while neglecting your own.

5 Signs You’re Lacking Self-Love in Dating (And Don’t Even Know It)

Let’s get real. Here are a few sneaky ways low self-love shows up in your love life:

1. You give second (and third) chances to men who dishonor you. You confuse grace with settling.

2. You believe men won’t wait for sex, so you give in quickly. That belief is rooted in fear, not truth.

3. You overfunction in relationships. You’re playing therapist, mom, and life coach to men who barely show up.

4. You feel anxious when someone pulls away. Instead of pausing, you panic—and start proving your worth.

5. You’re unclear about your standards or break them often. Because deep down, you don’t fully believe you’re worthy of what you say you want.

Whew. If you saw yourself in any of these, this isn’t shame—it’s your wake-up call.

Self-Love Shifts Everything (Including Who You Attract)

When you start loving yourself well, your dating life transforms in powerful ways:

✅ You set and stick to boundaries

✅ You walk away at the first sign of dishonor

✅ You no longer chase—you choose

✅ You seek God’s best, not your emotional band-aid

✅ You radiate peace, confidence, and discernment

As Jesus said in Mark 12:31, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But catch this: you can only love and be loved in alignment with how you love yourself. If your self-love is shallow, your dating life will be, too.

The Spiritual Tie: Your Relationship with God Mirrors Self-Love

Let’s go deeper.

Many Christian women struggle to love themselves because they’ve never truly dwelled in God’s love. We know the scriptures, but we haven’t made His love personal.

1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” That love becomes the foundation of healthy self-love.

You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup, praying for love, and ignoring the one heart that needs healing: yours.

Ready to Start Loving Yourself First?

If this post made you nod your head, tear up, or feel convicted... that’s your sign. You don’t need another dating app, another man to disappoint you, or another prayer that you don’t believe will be answered.

You need a reset. A renewal. A return to you.

That’s exactly why I created Ascend21—a 21-day transformational self-love challenge for Christian women who are ready to:

• Heal from the inside out

• Build a new standard for love

• Feel better, think clearer, and date wiser

With daily lessons, journal prompts, scripture, and real-life strategies, this challenge will help you nurture the love you want—starting with yourself.

🩷 Tap here to learn more and join the challenge.

You don’t have to keep dating in circles. Self-love is the secret sauce to the love you’ve been praying for. Let’s get you there.

Final Word:

Your dating life will only rise to the level of your self-love. So if love has felt hard, disappointing, or out of reach... it’s time to turn inward. Heal the mirror. Reset your heart. And rise.

You are worthy. You are enough. And yes—you can win at love.